Furious 7 - Or, Bro, do you even Plot?

     Before I get too far.  I DID like this movie.  Not love, but really liked it.  If you liked the past….6, then you really do not even need to continue reading.  You have already seen it.  You have already got “sand” in your eye at the end of the movie, you big man machine that you are.  This movie is fun, as long as you turn off your brain.  The part of your brain that knows about logic, proper plot, and physics.

We are going to spoil some of the...cough, plot.  Which is okay.  You have already watched it, or weren’t going to anyway.

Are you ready, BRO.  Track Day, BRO!!!  BRO!!!!

     I was not ready for this movie.  I came to the theater with all my mental faculties fully functional.  This is not what one does when you go to this, the 7th movie in the Car movie franchise that turned into what the Expendables wanted to be.  It took me a long time to get into this movie.  Usually it does not take me too long to get into movies.  As I have said before, I like movies.  I like to be transported to another world, a different life.  Which makes it hard for me to objective about movies.  It either takes me to another place, or it does not.  This one does not.
     A few things that prevented me from totally getting into the movie at the first.  First, the gratuitous panty and boob shots were distracting. Yes, I realize what I just said.  I barely believe it myself.  And I know that they are suppose to be distracting.  But, I don’t know, but in other movies, it feels like they do it with a bit more finesse.  Not too much, and not too little.  Just enough to make the 12 year olds happy.  It is almost like there are two versions of this film.  We get to see the one where the studio heads said mo’ ass.  Less story.  Like, what the hell was the point of the slow-mo of who ever Ramsey is getting out of the water?  If you watched it, you know what I am talking about.  It was like the movie makers let your creepy uncle do the editing.  I want to see the version that Uncle Rekow didn’t touch.
     Why is Rock always sweaty?  When we first see him in this movie, he is in a air-conditioned office.  Yet, the front of his 2 sizes too small under-armor shirt is wet as if he just finished a wicked workout.  What is wrong with him?  But I guess that is one of the hallmarks of this franchise, sweaty dudes.  I just watched the first one, and everyone is so sweaty.  The Rock just wanted to fit in.



     And….Car Parachute Physics.  Now this scene could have been really cool.  But again, I was taken out of it.  And no, you can’t make the physics work just because you said the GPS magic computer makes it work, Letty.  No, exposition is not going to save you this time.  I am not sure that if you drop a few cars from a plane, that they would not just spin out of contol.  No in this movie you have our heroes turning the steering wheels, as if that will steer the car like a plane.  Then they pull the parachutes that are no bigger than the ones that they used in WW2 and all safely make it exactly where the plot needs us to be.  And then, ha, and then we have one of the comedic relief characters be the only ones that does not land right.  And just at the last moment, come out of nowhere and save the day.  Which leads me to my biggest problem with the Movie.

Deus ex machina

     Don’t feel bad if you do not know what that phrase means.  The makers of Furious 7 don’t either, let alone pronounce it correctly
The term has evolved to mean a plot device whereby a seemingly unsolvable problem is suddenly and abruptly resolved by the contrived and unexpected intervention of some new event, character, ability or object. Depending on how it is done, it can be intended to move the story forward when the writer has "painted himself into a corner" and sees no other way out, to surprise the audience, to bring the tale to a happy ending, or as a comedic device
Even if you do not know what this means fully, you have seen it.  And if you see it, it is a rare sight.  It is regarded as a mark of a lazy, sub-par writer.  It is okay to use this plot device every once and awhile.  The most abrupt one of recent memory is the Eagles saving Frodo and Sam at the end of The Return of the King.  This is the word that keep on circling in my mind as I watched this movie.  Deus ex machina, Deus ex machina, Deus ex machina…...
     Our heroes are always getting saved at the last moment by one of our other heroes.  Luck and coincidence seem to always be in our hero’s favor.  Hey, I have a fun drinking game for you all.  Take a shot every time you witness a Deus ex machina.  You will die by the end of the Movie.

Turn off your Brain

You want to enjoy this movie?  You have to turn off your brain.  Completely.  You have to prepare yourself.  Spend the whole day before you come to the theater watching day time reality tv, down 4 red-bulls, gather your most bros of BROS, and go have yourself a good time.  I tried.  I tried, just could not turn of enough parts of my working brain to get sucked in.  I hope you fare better.

Update

Okay, I just re-read this review, and it is super negative.  I did like this movie.  Here is a few things I really liked.
I liked the scene where Brian and Mia were on the phone saying their "goodbyes".  I thought that they did that scene really well. The very last scene, many people loved it, crying even.  I did not feel it as much.  It felt forced.  But it is better than I thought they would do.
I like the off the wall craziness that movie series has.  That is why I keep on coming back, and have watched all of them many time.
One last gripe, because I cannot help myself.
Have a look at this pic.


This is what the crew shows up in when they arrive in Abu Dhabi.  We have a McLaren, A Ferrari 358 Italia, Don't know what the black car is.  And the last car is a Bugatti Veyron, an $1 million car.  And what do we have leading the pack?  What awesome car did the leader pick?  A 2015 Dodge Charger.  Stock.  No, it is not the new Hellcat, which boasts around 900hp.  Just Vanilla right off the lot Charger.  This is one of the many examples of how this movie kept on making decisions that would take me out of it, and into my head.  I spent the next 5 min after seeing this line-up trying to figure out why Dom would choose the this car, knowing it would look silly parked next to these masterpieces.

Rating

I give this Movie a rating of:  Tuesday Redbox Rental, while you look at stuff on your iPad.  Unless you are a super-fan, then you already know what you think.

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